The world's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

A beginner's guide to the South African language/culture

A very hot lady friend that I met on my last travel to South Africa mailed this to me so that I'd be able to understand what everyone was saying on my next trip over. And trust me, I heard these a few times. Laurian, is this correct?

Braai
What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if it's raining like mad. At a braai you will be introduced to a substance known as mieliepap.

Ag
This one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know." Or a sense of resignation: "Ag OK, I'll have some more mieliepap then." It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation.

Donner
A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder). Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up." A team member in your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your wife can donner you if you come back from a braai at three in the morning.

Eina
Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means "ouch." Pronounced "aynah". You can say it in sympathy when you see your friend the day after he got donnered by his wife.

Hey
Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasize the importance of what has just been said, as in "You're only going to get donnered if you come in late again, hey?" It can also stand alone as a question. Instead of saying "excuse me?" or "pardon me?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can always say: "Hey?"

Izit?
This is another great word to use in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you something at a braai. For instance, if someone would say: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is quite appropriate to respond by saying: "Izit?"

Jawelnofine
This is another conversation fallback. Derived from the four words: "yes", "well", "no" and fine", it roughly means "OK". If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can, with confidence, say: "Jawelnofine."

Klap
Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time in front of the TV during exam time, you could end up getting a "klap" from your mother. In America, that is called child abuse. In South Africa, it is called promoting education. But to get "lekker geklap" is to get motherlessly drunk.

Lekker
An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you enjoyed a braai thoroughly, you can say: "Now that was lekk-errrrrrr!" while drawing out the last syllable.

Tackies
These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are really wide tyres, as in: "You've got lekker fat tackies on your Vôlla, hey?"

Dop
This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First the good: A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. When invited for a dop, be careful! It could be one sedate drink or a blast, depending on the company. Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you "dopped" standard two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Saamie
This is a sandwich. For generations, school- children have traded "saamies" during lunch breaks. In South Africa you don't send your kid to school with liver-polony saamies. They are impossible to trade.

Bakkie
This word is pronounced "bucky" and can refer to a small truck or pick-up. If a young man takes his "girl" (date) in a bakkie it could be considered as a not so "lekker" form of transport because the seats can't recline.

Howzit
This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the country. It is often accompanied with the word "Yes!" as in: "Yes, howzit?". In which case you answer "No, fine."

Now now
In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase: "Now now, it's really not so bad." But in South Africa, this phrase is used in the following manner: "Just wait, I'll be there now now." It means "a little after now".

Tune grief
To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. For example, if you argue with somebody about a rugby game at a braai and the person had too much dop (is a little "geklap"), he might easily get aggravated and say.: "You're tuning me grief, hey!". To continue the argument after this could be unwise and result in major tuning of grief.

Boet
This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" but shorter, as in "foot", it can be applied to a brother or any person of the male sex. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use it on someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronizing and could lead to you getting a "lekker klap".

Pasop
From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "The boss hasn't had his coffee yet - so you better pasop boet" Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

Skop, Skiet en donner
Literally "kick, shoot and thunder", this phrase is used by many South African speakers to describe action movies. A Clint Eastwood movie is always a good choice if you're in the mood for of a lekker skop, skiet en donner flick.

Vrot
Pronounced - "frot". A expressive word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really dislike. Most commonly intended to describe fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of old tackies (sneakers) worn a few years too long can be termed "vrot" by some unfortunate folk which find themselves in the same vicinity as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important kicks or tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - opposite to a "lekker" game (but not to his face). A movie was once reviewed with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot."

Rock up
To rock up is to just, sort of arrive (called "gate crash" in other parts of the world). You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. For example, you can't just rock up for a job interview.

Scale
To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" has a doubtful character, is possibly a scumbag, and should rather be left off the invitation list to your next braai.

Ja-nee
"Yes No" in English. Politics in South Africa has always been associated with family arguments and in some cases even with physical fights. It is believed that this expression originated with a family member who didn't want to get a klap or get donnerred, so he just every now and then muttered "ja-nee". Use it when you are required to respond, but would rather not choose to agree or disagree.

Natalie Portman of the day

Wouldn't you want to see this every time you got home from work?

I can't wait! :)

Neglect

AM and I would like to officially apologise for negelecting UYH, and in turn, our loyal fans. We feel awful. Terrible in fact.

We oath to try spend our time more wisely. Work? Who needs it. Blogging pays the bills! We wish. But you get the idea. And travelling the world doesn't help much either. A big congrats and good luck to AM on getting an awesome new job, with even more travelling. Rock on homeboy!

Bikini of the day

Google image search

About a year ago I read a post (can't remember where) from a guy who got hundreds of people searching for peculiar, and sometimes not-so-peculiar words on Google image search, and getting back the most bizarre pics they got on the first page of their search.

So I can't take credit for this, but give it a bash, I've tried plenty, and this one is definitely my best:

Searched word: Understanding
Image:


The title is "A scientific approach to understanding my girlfriends role in the overall degradation of my lifes quality."

Funny shit.

Redneck Lurv Poem

Susie Lee donefell in love,
she planned to marry Joe
she was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
you'l have ta find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,
but after tellin' Pappy this,
He said, There's trouble still!

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yer mother,
but Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
you ain't no kin to Pappy.

What the fuck do you know you self-righteous cunt

I love people who feel it's their job, or right, to scrutinize your decisions, your life, and hold discussions with other people to try fix it, their way.

I love people who tell you that you're 'taking the easy way out', when it's clear that they are, in fact, doing so.

I love people who think that their opinion is the only thing that's right in this world.

I love people who tell you how to live your life.

I love people who, after hearing what happened, still try to convince you, even though you were there, that their version of the story is the correct one.

I love people who get emotional when they drink, and think that slurring four words into one, when trying to talk to you, is a good way of making someone 'really listen'.

Now hear this, you ugly drunken fuck: Never, and I mean never, try tell me what I'm doing wrong in your eyes. If I gave a fucking rat's arse what you thought, I'd ask for your fucking opinion. I don't recall doing so in this case, so fuck off.

I'd love people more if they fell off this earth and left me alone.

Natalie Portman of the day

Lovely.

Bikini of the day